Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
Toddlers are well-known for their “terrible twos” behaviors and intense emotional meltdowns… which we all know are a natural part of their development.
When there are ACEs and trauma involved, these kinds of connection-seeking behaviors can continue throughout childhood and adolescence.
That’s why so much of what we teach about parenting and teaching here at HSI is about helping to co-regulate and soothe a child’s dysregulated nervous system.
But what about adult behaviors?
Have you ever talked to an adult family member, colleague, or neighbor in a full-out meltdown mode…even sometimes to the point their behavior sounds or looks like a toddler?
You may find yourself in an argument with a partner or friend about something that seems so trivial to you, but they dig in their heels and have an intense emotional reaction that seems way out of proportion to the situation.
Or you yourself may find yourself blurting out angry comments or doing things that you later regret, wondering why you took things so personally, got so angry, or burst into tears.
Scrolling through social media comments online, it’s abundantly clear that adults often revert to acting like children… especially around highly-charged topics where they feel that they and their loved ones are in danger, or their way of life is being threatened by others.
Why do adults act like children, and how can we respond when we encounter this behavior… in others, and in ourselves?
I love this sculpture by the Ukranian artist, Alexander Milov.
In the sculpture, two adults sit back to back, seemingly upset and disconnected by conflict.
However, inside each adult is a curious, loving child reaching out to the other.
Our behavior as adults is often the result of our own childhood trauma.
When an adult becomes extremely activated and seems to be “acting like a child”…. this is often because as a child, they did not get all their emotional or physical needs met appropriately.
When activated, we usually revert to the ages and stages that need healing.
According to IFS theory by Richard Schwartz, we all hold many different parts inside us… some of them wounded, hurting parts that just want to be seen, heard, and understood.
Other parts stand guard as protectors to ward off dangerous situations or people that could hurt or threaten the vulnerable child inside.
So if you are talking to someone who is acting like a child, remember that each of us carries the memories of every age we ever were, whether those memories are conscious or stored somewhere deep and unconscious in our minds and bodies.
Try imagining that angry, dysregulated adult as the tiny, helpless child that they once were, and still are, on the inside.
Softening to the inner child of others will help us lean into a more compassionate, wise response rather than escalating the conflict.
Pay attention to your own inner child, too.
Each of those parts has deep needs that do not go away once you become a grown-up. Tend to them and give compassionate, nurturing love your internal family, just as you tend to and give compassionate, nurturing love to each child in your family or those you teach in school.
Adults act like children, because we are carry all of the children we once were inside us.
Even as adults, we all need to be cared for, we all need play and laughter, and we all need co-regulation to help our nervous systems heal in challenging times.
Spend time each day listening to your body and nurturing those inner children, and make connections with safe adults who with care about you and all your inner parts.
When adults around you become angry or have an intense emotional meltdown, it’s ok to set a boundary for your own protection.
But if you care about a dysregulated person and know that it is safe to remain in relationship with them, try to see and respond the little child inside them, not the adult.
As the saying goes…. “Hurt people hurt people.”
Be someone who heals people — yourself, and others — by staying deeply in touch with the natural curiosity of a child.
Summer Reading Challenge
- Join the Summer Reading Challenge: Start or join a book club and sign up to be eligible to win prizes!
- Let us know what you’re reading! We will be giving out random prizes to those who are joining or leading book studies — be sure to throw your name in the hat!
- Want professional development credit? Take our NEW Book Study Course – earn 1 Graduate Credit per book!
Or take it to the next level and…. - Sign up for our HSI Certification Programs: Take our world-class programs, read 4 books, and earn up to 10 graduate credits!