Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
Frustrated parents and teachers often come to me with this question, especially during the last month of the school year.
“I’ve tried everything, and I am at the end of my rope! Nothing is working. I can’t get this child to _____ (or to stop _____), no matter what I do. What can I do to change this behavior?”
Before answering, it’s important to examine three underlying assumptions of the question:
- The question is behavior-focused. The adult wants to change the behavior, as soon as possible.
As a teacher for over 20 years and as the parent of a child who has had explosive and aggressive behaviors and some really frightening self-harm and suicidal ideation, I understand this impulse deep in my bones.
It can be so incredibly challenging to figure out why kids are struggling, and we want a solution or strategy to make things better – both for the child, and for everyone in the home or the classroom.
But focusing on just the behavior itself isn’t enough… as trauma-informed, healing-centered parents and teachers, we know it takes a deeper, more comprehensive approach to get to the heart of the problem while also maintaining safety and connection. - The question also implies that what used to work isn’t working anymore.
Again… veteran teacher and parent here.
What used to work for me as a young teacher in the 1990’s was having a laminated list of classroom rules on my wall, with the list of consequences for breaking them right next to it.
This “worked” very well to keep kids in their seats and working on whatever they were supposed to be doing, simply because they were afraid of the punishments and didn’t want to get in trouble. I ran a tight ship, and I was proud of it.
Until… it didn’t work any more.
My revelation was slow and steady over the years as I matured in my teaching skills and developed collaborative relationships for some of my most challenging students.
Now I know these were the kids with school-based trauma or traumatic environments at home and in their communities. I realized that the rules, rewards, and consequences often backfired, and they just weren’t necessary when the children trusted me.
And in 2023, we have more kids challenged by trauma than ever. What worked before doesn’t work anymore. - The question is about the adults’s emotions, which are often frustration, anger, shame, or deep sadness about what the child is or isn’t doing.
Of course we care so much about our children and want them to be happy, productive, and engaged in their school work, and activities with family and friends.
But when we step outside of the chaos or conflict and look a little deeper at what is really going on, it’s clear that we often have a lot of our own emotions wrapped up in our children’s success or failure.
It is so important to keep in mind that our emotional charge often causes more stress for the child, which often makes the behavior even worse.
And if we haven’t resolved our own childhood trauma, shame, and unmet needs, we can sometimes fall into the habit of projecting those needs onto children.
This creates a cycle of generational trauma, and it’s hard to break without doing our own deep trauma healing work.
Behaviorism —> a recipe for disappointment
If you are new to HSI you might find this a radical statement, but if you’ve been in our community for any length of time, then you will understand what I mean when I say this:
It’s not about the behavior.
There is so much more going on with a child who is struggling.
Trying to eliminate behaviors with rewards, punishments, nagging, arguing, or any other method that relies on getting a child to comply and obey the adult only works in the short-term because it is based on fear (of getting in trouble, or of not getting the reward).
We need to look deeper and figure out what the behavior is stemming from – what I call the Behavior Roots.
Once we identify and assess the reason for the behavior, we can then work together with the child to come up with a way to address and develop a solution to the problem.
So… if focusing on behaviors doesn’t “work”, what does work?
Think about any of your own behaviors or habits that you have tried to change as an adult. For example, how are you doing right now with the New Year’s Resolutions you made in January?
It’s not a simple fix for adults, and it’s not a simple fix for children, either.
It takes time, patience, skill development, support, scaffolding, and a whole lot of practice.
Our kids can and will change… but “getting them to do/stop a behavior” isn’t the goal, anyway.
This only leads to frustration and disappointment.
Instead, the goal is getting them to feel safe, supported, and successful in a family or classroom where caring adults are holding a beautiful vision of possibility for a bright future.
Our kids deserve caring, compassionate adults like that.
And while we are working on this future vision, have patience… for the children, and for yourself. The work you do matters so much, and some day you will see that it was all worth it!
It also helps to make a plan for some good R&R this summer, as well as spending time with people who understand this trauma-informed paradigm for change.
What are you doing to re-fill your bucket and be around like-minded people?
Consider joining us for two summer opportunities…. our HSI Trauma-Informed Certifications, or our upcoming Trauma-Informed Changemakers Book Challenge!
More information will be coming soon — if you want all the details, be sure to sign up below for the PDF’s about our programs and our book list!
HSI Certification Programs
June Cohort Enrollment Closing Soon!
HSI provides world-class Trauma-Informed Certifications programs for Trauma-Informed Specialists, Certified Parent Coaches, and Certified Educational Trainers.
NEW for 2023: The program is now self-paced so you can either choose to go through the material slowly or choose the intensive fast-track to finish the entire program during the summer and start the new school year fully certified!
Become a confident, trusted expert, and earn up to 10 accredited graduate semester units from University of the Pacific!
We still have seats in our June cohort, and for a limited time, there are partial scholarships available. Join now to take advantage of this offer!
The Big Book List for Trauma-Informed Changemakers (first edition)
Did you get a copy of this book list, uniquely organized by the Heart-Strong Spiraling Stages of Growth? In it you’ll find a list of 111 books about real growth and transformation that happens in compassionate relationships… and, you’ll also get a bonus mini-course on how to start your own book study or book club!
I hope this Weekly WINGS has been helpful to you!
Remember to focus on compassion and connection instead of rules, rewards, and consequences.… and I’ll see you right here again next week!