One of the most common questions that I get from parents is how to stay compassionate and connected when their child does something they know they shouldn’t be doing, and then tells a lie about it or denies they had anything to do with it.
This is a tough one for some parents.
As the adults in charge of our families, we often get very triggered by lying, stealing, and other “sneaky” behaviors because they seem to be in direct opposition of all the lessons about fairness and good character that we have tried to teach our kids.
We know that our kids are going to push boundaries at times, but when they do things in secret and then lie about them, somehow this makes the transgression even worse.
Perhaps there is something about bad behavior in “secret” that pushes our own shame and fear triggers, or maybe we just don’t like the loss of control when our kids make up stories and try to get away with things instead of taking responsibility for their actions.
Whatever the reason, these behaviors can cause us to react in anger and do or say things we later regret.
So…. what should we do when we catch our kids lying, stealing, or doing something else in secret?
Take a HEART-STRONG™ Parenting approach and focus on REGULATION and RELATIONSHIP first!
Step 1: Crisis to Compassion
The first step to addressing any child behavior that pushes our buttons and triggers is to take time out to take care of ourselves, resist a knee-jerk reaction or crisis-level response, and connect with a deep compassion for the child.
If the lie or sneaky behavior was an especially big one that has the potential to cause lots of damage – emotional, physical, or even legal – we need to take even MORE time out to get to a state of calm compassion.
It’s so important to remember the “why” beneath the behavior. Behavior is communication. Kids who do things that are sneaky like lying or stealing are most likely doing this because of their own fear, shame, or anxiety. A child who lies is a child who is afraid to tell the truth. This fear stems from past experiences of trauma or shame.
If you have always taken a very traditional, strict and punitive approach towards lying and other secret sneaky behaviors, then the child is going to do everything in their power to deny the infraction and continue to try to convince you that the lie they are telling you is the truth.
Some of our kids can be VERY convincing when they lie because lying for them has become a SURVIVAL mechanism. In their hearts and minds, they are so terrified of getting caught and getting in trouble that lying has become an automatic response, even if the lie seems ridiculous.
Step 2: Chaos to Calm
When you are triggered and angry as a parent, nothing you say or do is going to be effective; it will only make things worse. So take some time to do some deep breathing and visualizations while you bring your heart back to compassion for the child. In addition, make sure that your CHILD has a chance to calm down and get back to a state of regulation if they know they’ve been “caught” doing something wrong.
You may need to wait a few hours or even another day or two before having a conversation with the child about the behavior. Of course it depends on the situation and level of crisis and what has occurred as a result of the behavior… but if at all possible, give yourself and the child some distance to cool off and return to a calm state of mind and body before addressing the situation.
Step 3: Conflict to Connection
The next thing you want to do is to CONNECT with your child and focus on the RELATIONSHIP. If your child has early trauma, there is already a sense of deep anxiety and fear associated with relationships and attachment, so your most important job as a HEART-STRONG parent is to reassure the child that absolutely NOTHING is going to get in the way of your relationship.
Our kids need to know without a shadow of a doubt that we are on their sides, no matter what.
Take some time to just connect and love your child and empathize for whatever the child’s unmet need might have been to cause the behavior in the first place. So when you start talking, say something reassuring. “Sweetheart, I want you to know that I’m not mad right now. I love you, and there’s nothing that’s going to come between us. Everything is going to be ok. We are a family, and we always solve problems together.”
It’s important that your facial expressions and body language also convey this message that you are open, loving, and compassionate, no matter what has happened.
Step 4: Control to Communication
Resist the urge to apply a punishment or consequence for the action or make the child suffer pain for the pain that was caused by the behavior or lie. Remember that we are teaching our kids how to respond by our example.
Instead of seeking a way to control and force your child to comply with rules and expectations, take time out to communicate with the child. This might take some time, and your child might not want to communicate with you the first few times you try it. However, if you communicate to your child with compassion and a real desire to seek understanding, over time your child will want to communicate more and more with you.
Eventually, the urge to lie will decrease as the child develops more trust and knows that they will not be punished. Then you can work together to solve problems and prevent similar situations from happening in the future. Talk with your child about options for how to handle the situation “NEXT TIME” they have the same problem again.
If the behavior or lie caused a serious problem, it’s ok to talk about how to fix the problem. Just be sure that the way that you communicate shows that you are offering help and solutions, not accusations and punishments.
The child is already doing things because of fear, so adding MORE fear will not help. Just offer calm solutions and communicate these with great patience and reassurance that you will always be available to help.
Here’s a story from my own childhood that illustrates the difference between chaos and compassion, chaos and calm, conflict and connection, control and communication…
When I was around five years old, for some reason I decided to do a little doodling on the walls. Maybe I was bored or feeling stressed out – I don’t really remember exactly why.
My mom had put up bathroom wallpaper with the signs of the zodiac, so I thought it would be fun to write all of our names next to our zodiac signs.
Unfortunately, in my 5-year-old mind, I hadn’t thought too much about the fact that if I wrote “Mommy” and “Daddy” next to their signs and “me” next to Capricorn, it would be obvious who the mystery artist was since my only sister was a Sagittarius. Once it dawned on me that I might get in trouble, though, I was ashamed and embarrassed…so I tried to keep it a secret.
When the artwork was discovered, my mom knew right away who the culprit was and gave me a spanking. It was really just a couple of light whacks on my bottom; however, my heart was broken.
My mom always enjoyed telling the story of what happened next for years afterwards. She said that I looked up at her with big, brown eyes and one huge crocodile tear rolling down my cheek, and said with a heartbroken voice in between heavy sobs, “Grownups aren’t supposed to hit little children!”
She said that in that moment, she realized that I was absolutely right! And she resolved from that moment never to spank me again. So, apparently, I’ve been coaching parents on non-punitive parenting for a VERY long time… since age 5, in fact! 🙂
The point of the story, of course, is that seeing my big brown eyes and crocodile tears brought my mom back to her heart of compassion, where true strength lies. She learned from that moment not to resort to force and control, but instead to communicate with me and solve problems together. She kept her promise to herself, and I have wonderful memories of hours and hours of long talks with her throughout my childhood, teenage years, and as a young adult.
One of the main reasons why I had such a strong relationship with my mom is that I knew deep in my bones that I could trust her with anything and know that she was always on my side.
Compassionate, HEART-STRONG™ Parenting may seem to be a way to “let kids get away with” bad behaviors, but it’s actually takes great strength and courage to implement it. Kids who watch their parents use great self-control and compassion in the heat of the moment also eventually learn by example how to have self-control and compassion, too. Isn’t that the kind of adults we want our children to be some day?
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Want information on how to become a Trauma-Informed Specialist, Educational Trainer, or Parent Coach? Check out our Trauma-Informed Specialist Certification Program.
Love this! Such wisdom, thank you.