Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
We all take it for granted that small children are not capable of the same things that teens and adults are capable of.
There are developmental milestones for every skill, whether it’s a motor skill, using complex language, or advanced cognitive abilities.
What is taught in second grade isn’t what is taught in eight grade, and everyone seems to grasp that this makes sense.
For some reason, though, it seems that many parents, teachers, and others who work with children have a different idea about behavior.
Children are supposed to know what it means to “behave themselves” when given directions, and if they do not, they are often scolded, punished, or shamed.
Is that how we teach children to walk and talk?
Do we punish them by taking away their toys when they are crawling or when they fall down as toddlers because “we already showed them how to walk dozens of times, and they should know better by now”?
Do we put them in timeout when they see a squirrel and call it a “doggie” because “they won’t learn anything if they don’t get a consequence”?
Of course not!
But for some reason, this idea persists that children should somehow already have perfect, adult-level emotional regulation skills that result in perfect, adult-level behavior. And if not, we need to do something to correct the behavior, right away.
Does anyone know an adult that has perfect behavior, at all times, no matter what the circumstances are? If not, why do we expect this from children?
Despite all the neuroscience and behavioral research that contradicts the value of rewards and consequences, some parents and teachers still believe that using fear-based tools is the only way to teach a child about emotional regulation and behavior.
Instead of assuming that children aren’t behaving the way we want them to because they just don’t want to, it’s important to realize that they either might just not have the emotional/behavioral skill yet, or they might be facing a problem that makes using that skill difficult for them.
Dr. Ross Greene has a famous quote that “Children do well… when they can. When they aren’t doing well it’s a CAN’T, not a WON’T.”
I love this quote, and I use it often. But I still think there is something missing.
When looking at whether a behavior is a CAN’T or a WON’T, we are missing the third option.
It could be that they child just can’t….. YET.
This is especially important to keep in mind for children who have compromised nervous systems because of childhood adversity and trauma, or for children with disabilities or neurodivergent brains.
What a typical child can do at a certain age or stage of life is not what every child can do at that age or stage. And even when a child learns a skill, there are times when they may not remember how, or they may do it imperfectly.
This is true for cognitive and motor skills, but it just as true for emotional regulation and behavior.
Just because a child CAN’T do something today, doesn’t mean they will never be able to do it. We need to be patient, teach emotional regulation skills with compassion, co-regulate often, and allow children to grow into new emotional skills as they feel safe and secure with a trusted adult.
And just because a child CAN do something today doesn’t mean they are going to be able to do it perfectly every day, no matter what. We all have good days and bad days. A little forgiveness and patience goes a long way to building strong relationships that are the foundation for learning good social and emotional regulation skills.
Are green bananas “bad” bananas?
We need to stop thinking of things in binary terms of “can… can’t”, “either…or”, “good… bad”. Sometimes it is all about the timing.
When we buy bananas at the grocery store, they are often green.
While the taste is bitter, we don’t throw them out.
We know that a green banana isn’t a “bad” banana. It’s just not ready… yet.
Remember the power of YET in all your interactions with children who are struggling with emotional regulation.
These are not bad children. Their challenging behaviors are just green bananas.
With a lot of compassion and gentle modeling, teaching, and trust… they will grow and develop on their own timeline.
I hope this edition of the Weekly WINGS has been helpful to you!
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Remember the power of the word “yet” this week, and I’ll see you right here again next week!
Be patient, have hope, keep a vision of a beautifully ripe yellow banana….and don’t give up!