Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
It’s time to update a few of the myths we believe about parenting and teaching and replace them with more useful, neuroscience-backed frameworks.
Today, I want to tackle the one of the myths that many of us have blindly accepted about permissive parenting, and parenting styles in general.
You’ve probably heard this concept regurgitated over and over by well-meaning parenting experts who believe that we all fall into one of the following three categories of parenting style:
Authoritarian: Old-school. Do what you’re told. Strict. Punish kids who don’t behave. Adults are large and in charge. “My way or the highway.”
Authoritative: Firm but fair. Set loving limits and hold space for big feelings, but don’t ever back down on those limits. Be consistent. Use “natural” consequences to hold limits. -> Often considered the “best” style of the three.
Permissive: Let kids to whatever they want. No rules, no limits. Kids are in charge. Parents are weak, basically lazy and lack control. Kids feel unsafe because there are no limits or consequences. Teachers roll their eyes at these parents and blame them for all the behavior issues at school.
These three parenting style categories have been around for decades, in response to research by Diana Baumrind on early childhood behavior and parenting in the 1960’s.
In parenting classes and some coaching programs, parents are often asked to examine their own parenting approach and then categorize themselves according to these three commonly accepted labels.
Those who define themselves as “authoritarian” are usually encouraged to be more loving, build relationships with their children, and reduce the use of punishments.
Those who are classified as “permissive” are encouraged to step up their game to be more firm, set limits, and allow their children to feel their big feelings when they apply logical consequences or behaviors result in natural consequences.
Everyone is supposed to work towards the golden ideal of “authoritative” parenting.
Somehow, using an authoritative style with consistency is supposed to magically create children who are compliant, happy, emotionally resilient, and well-behaved.
But… what about when it doesn’t?
Parents and teachers rarely question the parenting style paradigm and accept it as the standard way of looking at things.
Just because almost everyone else is talking about it, though, doesn’t mean it’s the best or most helpful paradigm.
I believe the framework of parenting style, and especially the concept of “permissive parenting” is one of several harmful parenting myths in serious need of an upgrade.
Unnecessary Disclaimers
There are several reasons why I believe that we should throw out the whole concept of parenting styles, and especially the so-called “permissive parenting” style.
I also have some ideas on what would be a more helpful way of looking at effective ways of parenting and teaching children.
But first, I want to examine a common “disclaimer” that I see many current parenting and teaching experts and coaches making that is really starting to get on my nerves.
I follow a lot of really wonderful experts and coaches who are also part of the movement we at HSI are part of, where we are all working towards more trauma-informed, compassionate, neuroscience-aligned parenting approaches.
However, I still see that several of them have a troublesome habit of taking a weak stand for our kids by referring back to older, outdated ways of thinking.
Here is what it usually sounds like:
”We need to stop punishing kids for their behaviors and start looking at what’s going on beneath the behavior. Kids do well when they can – so we need to figure out why they can’t do a certain behavior, build capacity, and build strong relationships. This doesn’t mean we need to be permissive. We can still hold firm, loving limits and give consequences, but…..”
No, we don’t. We do not need to “hold limits” and “give consequences.”
For so many reasons.
It’s almost as if many of the new paradigm experts feel like they have to apologize or justify why they believe that punitive-based systems are damaging and supporting a child’s nervous system isn’t “being permissive”.
We do NOT need to apologize for this! So please let’s all stop throwing in the disclaimer that we are “not being permissive” when we are talking about helping a child with a dysregulated nervous system!
(Rant not quite over…)
In order to bust these myths and replace flawed, worn-out paradigms, it’s essential to consider what we are looking at, what our values are as parents and teachers, and how we are making judgements about our own choices as caring adults.
Let’s take a look at three problems with what the “parenting styles” paradigm use as to decide what the best parents and teachers do for their kids….
Two Dimensional vs. Complex
In the parenting style framework, we are essentially looking at only two factors to place parents into one of the three categories: emotional warmth and control.
Parents who are more authoritarian lack emotional warmth, but parents who are permissive lack control.
Those who are authoritative supposedly have a magical balance of both.
Some experts in today’s circles talk about this in terms of “structure and nurture”… again looking at only two aspects of how we support our children.
I believe that this way of looking at parenting is terribly over-simplified, especially in light of what we now know about attachment, attunement, and how the nervous system operates in relationships.
Let’s not assume that these two aspects of adult behavior are the only or even the most important factors at play in what is going on in a child’s brain, body, and behavior.
Doing so ends up blaming and shaming caring adults who may be supporting a child with a very complex set of differences, disabilities, and difficulties that other children do not struggle with to the same degree.
Many of us parenting and teaching children with trauma have already done ALL THE THINGS that people think we should be doing to “fix” the problems, and yet our kids are still struggling and lagging behind their peers in some areas.
And focusing solely on these two adult behaviors discounts all the external factors that could be placing extra stress and trauma on both the child and the adult, such as unmet needs and systemic barriers.
There is so much more going on when a child is having a hard time meeting adult expectations, so we need to look at a variety of factors in the adult, the child, the environment, and the surrounding culture and social structures and supports, not just the parenting style.
Permission and Control vs. Autonomy and Relationship
The whole concept of “giving permission” for behavior in a child is silly and outdated.
We do not “permit” a child to be who they are, experience what they experience, and feel what they feel. They just be, experience, and feel. None of this is connected to our adult permission or control, no matter how much we might like it to be.
A child who is in a state of fight, flight, or freeze doesn’t need “permission” for whatever protective behaviors they are doing (or not doing) while in that state of mind and body.
How we respond is in our control, but how they behave is not.
We fool ourselves into thinking that we can “get” children to behave by manipulatively coercing them with consequences or bribing them with rewards.
Of course, this “works” to keep (some) kids compliant, in the short term, because they are afraid of getting in trouble or losing a reward.
For many kids, though, the stress of rewards and consequences sends their entire nervous system into fight or flight, and this escalates the behavior and makes everything worse, for the entire family or classroom.
Instead of thinking about behaviors in terms of permission and control, we need to shift to thinking about them in terms of autonomy and relationship.
When kids are given autonomy over their own bodies and choices and feel safe in relationships with caring adults, they may not always do exactly what we want them to do, but there is a much greater chance that will build co-regulation and self-regulation skills and gradually move towards increased collaboration and cooperation.
Not because they are forced to, but because they want to.
When a child cares about an adult who also cares about them, the results are absolutely magical and transformational.
Kids do well when they can, and I also believe that kids naturally grow in maturity and capacity when they experience unconditional positive regard from adults who hold an optimistic view of their potential for a bright future.
So why are we still so obsessed about them behaving and doing things “without our permission”? Are we worried we will be scorned by others as a “permissive parent” or a “permissive teacher”?
What do we believe those labels really mean? Are we are afraid it makes us look weak and ineffective?
Now don’t get me wrong…
Certainly there are basic safety precautions and plans that need to be put into place, and kids are not always developmentally ready for activities that older children and adults are ready for.
Kids with trauma often need even more detailed safety planning at home and school. In our programs and trainings at HSI, we teach a very detailed process called the Family FLIGHT Plan to help identify and eliminate potentially dangerous situations.
This kind of permission is simply a boundary for safety, not a behavior “limit” that needs a corresponding “consequence” when the they are pushing the limit.
We just need to remove or reduce their access to the thing or situation that isn’t safe, and if they protest, we can remind them that part of our job is to keep them safe. It’s not about their behavior, it’s about common sense.
But when it comes to challenging behaviors, especially those related to feelings of stress and overwhelm…. that’s a completely different story.
Are we afraid that a child who is having a meltdown in a grocery store because of a state of nervous system arousal somehow reflects on us as “bad parents/teachers”?
Are we worried that a student who is terrified at school and refuses to do classwork but instead runs out of the classroom or says something unkind is the example of a teacher who is “too loosey goosey” about her classroom expectations? Or a parent who “just needs to crack down and hold firmer limits” at home?
In my view, these expectations and fears about children’s behaviors are not helpful at all. In fact, they causing even more stress on caring adults, which makes everything harder for the children, too.
Identity vs. Neuroplasticity and Intuition
Another problem with putting parents into three parenting style boxes is that it based on putting a label of identity on an adult rather than looking at how things change from day to day and over time.
First of all, kids (and adults) have what’s called neuroplasticity which means that their brains and behaviors can change. The brain is amazingly adaptive, and with loving support, growth and healing is absolutely possible.
So we need to be careful about giving fixed labels and identities to humans who develop new ways of being over time.
Also, if I’m a “permissive parent” does that mean I’m giving my child free rein to do whatever they want, whenever they want to, no matter how it affects me or them?
I honestly don’t think this kind of parent exists. It’s just a fictional character made up for us to put the blame on.
Instead, I believe that parents and teachers have various levels of engagement and emotional attunement, from day to day and from hour to hour, depending on what is going on in the family or classroom at that particular moment of time.
We also are not robots. We are human beings, who have good days and bad days.
And… we change how we respond to our children depending on their own changing needs from day to day and moment to moment, based on our parental intuition and discernment. The approach we use from day to day might be different for each child in the family or classroom, too.
Flexibility is a wonderful trait, and consistency can be helpful but can also become rigidity and rupture relationships if we are unable to respond with some grace and compassion from time to time – both for our children and ourselves.
Adults who are frequently disengaged or who lack attunement most likely have challenges in their own nervous systems causing this lack of support for the child.
To me, this is not “permissive parenting”…. it’s exhaustion and stress, which if it becomes a pattern over time, can result in emotional neglect.
And it’s rarely intentional.
Most parents really do love their kids and want what is best for them. They just may not have ever experienced themselves growing up the kind of nurturing, attuned, trauma-informed parenting that helps kids grow and thrive.
So instead of calling it permissive parenting — let’s look at is as a crisis of care that needs some compassion, support, and perhaps coaching and training.
This goes for teachers, too. Many teachers are disengaged from their work because of unreasonable expectations and their own basic survival needs not being met.
There is of course also child abuse happening both in homes and schools everywhere. There are parents who are not capable of parenting safely and teachers not capable of teaching safely.
We do have a parenting and teaching crisis, but it’s not because of parenting styles. It’s because of trauma.
Better Questions to Ask
Instead of looking at parenting styles and focusing on questions about the adult who is in charge, let’s take a more trauma-informed, compassionate perspective by considering a variety of strengths, needs, and challenges, including but not limited to the following:
- What is going on in the nervous system of the child, in this moment, and as a pattern over time?
- What is going on in the nervous system of the adult, in this moment, and as a pattern over time?
- Instead of focusing on the behavior, what are the underlying causes of distress that could be making them feel so dysregulated?
- How can we make the environment safer for this child or adult?
- What resources and supports have been provided to this child or adult who is struggling?
- What can this child or adult do well right now? Are we celebrating this, encouraging them, and holding onto optimism for continued growth and success?
- What skills does this child or adult need to move to the next level of growth or healing?
- Who are the trusted adults in this child or adult’s life that they can go to when things are hard?
- Does this child or adult believe in themselves? What can we do to encourage a more positive and optimistic self-identity?
- What kind of therapy, coaching, training, or education does this child or adult need to overcome whatever challenges they are experiencing?
- Who is the right person or team of people to provide this therapy, coaching, training, or education?
- Is there anything else we are missing? What more can be done to support this individual in a strengths-based, compassionate way?
It’s time for us to let the old labels go and focus on what really works to bring hope and healing to families and make schools places where everyone can learn and thrive.
What do you think? Is it time to throw out the old labels? Make a comment below, and let me know what you think!
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I hope this Weekly WINGS has been helpful to you!
This week, don’t apologize for being a Trauma-Informed Changemaker, and take a strong stand for what kids and their caring adults really need!
I’ll see you here again next week!
