Weekly WINGS
Wisdom and Inspiration Nurturing Growth and Success
Success is in the eye of the beholder
“However difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.” – Stephen Hawking
When I chose the title of this newsletter and decided to use the WINGS of our HSI logo as an acronym and a symbol for growth and transformation, I thought long and hard about what the “S” would represent…
Strength, serenity, satisfaction, and spiritual growth all came to mind, but I landed on success because it includes all of those… and more.
The traditional definition of success is based on a life pathway with some degree of accomplishment, based on achieving a set of goals, both internal and external.
This is going to look different for each individual, depending on their values and vision for a life well-lived.
When we plan and then live out our days, our weeks, our years….the observant eyes of young people at home, at school, and in our communities are always watching us and learning from us what it means to live a good and successful life.
So, it’s good to ask ourselves regularly….
What does success mean to me? How do I live this out each day?
Do my children or students see me living a successful life based on my values and vision?
Or is it all about the mundane tasks, like eating, doing the laundry, giving and doing homework, getting good grades or good reviews at work, and keeping ourselves busy, just to go to bed and get up the next morning to do it all over again?
The pathway to success
Last week, we explored the topic of growth, which is important for all human beings.
But…what exactly are we growing for and toward?
We are here for such a short time on this blue marble planet spinning swiftly through the universe. Is there an end goal in mind for growth, or is it just a continuous and never-ending process?
Questions about what success truly means and our purpose in life are all essential to our humanity.
So when we begin to explore best practices in parenting, teaching, and coaching others, I believe we first need to have a solid idea of what we think the answers are to some of these deeper questions.
Many schools and families are so focused on test scores and academic success that it can sometimes feel like we’ve lost what makes us good human beings living meaningful lives.
After you finish reading this article, I’d encourage you to write out your thoughts about all these questions in a journal or talk about it deeply with someone you trust.
Growth and success are not a linear pathway
Success comes from growth towards a goal or future envisioned as a possibility in the present, but the pathway to success isn’t always neat and tidy.
When we look at success for a child with trauma, things can get even more complicated.
At HSI, we use a spiral, cyclical model to describe the pathway to growth, healing, and transformation in both children and adults who have experienced childhood adversity and developmental trauma.
The journey is much more complex than moving from point A to point B, as healing requires many cycles of rupture, repair, and recovery.
It all starts with compassion… no matter how much crisis we find ourselves and our children in. We cannot build a pathway to success with a nervous system in such disarray that the body is in chaos and the thinking brain is offline.
So as we nurture our children’s hearts (along with our own hearts) and begin to build strong relationships with compassion, we will find ourselves moving back and forth like a pendulum between moments of chaos and calm, moments of conflict and connection, moments of control and communication.
Success is not a one-time event. It’s all the little moments of struggle and triumph that accumulate over time.
I often tell parents that the biggest moments of achievement for our children with trauma and other challenges are not the kinds of things we usually see on a bumper sticker.
If you are raising a child who never makes the honor roll, it’s easy to feel like the kind of success our culture places the highest value on will never happen for them. You may be much more worried about whether or not your child will make a friend, go to the dentist, or even get out of bed today.
Remember that success is based on your values.
Some parents and teachers are hyper-focused on traditional, external values of success such as academic and vocational achievement, which only brings discouragement for a child on the slower, more scenic train.
Instead, we can focus on what makes human life most meaningful.
Trying something new and doing something that seems simple to others can be extremely challenging for some of our children, so we can point out their small, incremental steps to success instead of focusing on collecting ribbons and trophies.
It’s all about those little moments of compassion, calm, connection, and communication throughout the day.
For a child who is struggling even just to feel a sense of safety and belonging, I believe that these are all “bumper sticker worthy” accomplishments, even if nobody else ever knows about them.
Focusing on matters of the heart will help you and your child find so much to celebrate!
Hiro and Mojo
My son Hiro and I have been spending some time visiting horses that belong to a friend of mine named Lisa Condes, who is the director of Harmony In Horses, an equine assisted learning center here in Indiana for youth impacted by foster care and adoption.
Hiro is helping to rehabilitate one of her horses named Modoc Soujourner, or Mojo for short.
This week, Hiro worked with Mojo’s comfort level being close to humans and accepting treats.
Just a few months before his adoption, Mojo was a young wild horse living life with his band in the Modoc Forest of California. He had no experience with humans, other than being rounded up by helicopter, processed for adoption and shipped in a semi-truck to the Midwest.
Mustangs have intense family bonds, it is literally how a wild horse survives. He was lost without his family without anyone he could trust.
Lisa says this about Mojo,
After bringing him home, I sat and I sat until finally, he slowly turned his head and looked at me.
The feeling of that moment is hard to describe because it was so intense.
The patience, work and desire to make that connection made the moment it finally happened more powerful.
It is moments like this with horses that have forever changed me.
After years of working with kids with trauma, I experienced the same trust that must be built through patience and acceptance.
Hiro has begun to develop a special bond with Mojo because they share a lot in common.
Many of you know Hiro’s story and how he experienced significant early childhood trauma before his adoption at age ten.
Those early days after the adoption were hard… for both of us. He had a lot of explosive and aggressive episodes and was hospitalized a total of twelve times between the ages of ten and fourteen for dissociative panic attacks where he was a danger to himself or others.
Thankfully, those dangerous explosive episodes don’t happen any more, though he still struggles with anxiety and depression along with physical disabilities and a severe autoimmune condition.
My definition of success for Hiro is very different from what most parents of 22-year-olds have for their children.
Early on, I felt some grief and sadness about Hiro’s physical and mental health challenges and slower than typical pace of development.
But over time, I have accepted with a deep sense of calm the reality that just like Mojo, Hiro is a unique soul who needs a slow and incremental pace of life and achievement to keep his nervous system feeling safe and secure.
Just like Mojo, Hiro will find success… on his own terms, and in his own timing.
He just needs patience and acceptance, and support that is unconditional and not based on earning approval.
There is always a chance that physical or mental health challenges will be too much.
All of our children with trauma, and especially those with additional disabilities, differences, and diagnoses, are at a higher risk of early death from a medical or mental health crisis.
But the sacred promise of every loving parent is that we will stand by them and keep hoping and envisioning a bright and beautiful future, no matter how bleak the present may seem.
I know that many of you have faced crisis and struggles with your children that others cannot even fathom.
I encourage you to hold on to hope, even when things seem hopeless.
Horses like Mojo and young people like Hiro who are overcoming big challenges in life have a lot to teach us about the joy that those tiny moments of accomplishment can bring.
Focus on those small, achievable steps each day, and point them out to the young people in your life who are struggling. One little nibble of apple or carrot at a time.
HSI Certification Programs
HSI provides world-class Trauma-Informed Certifications programs for Trauma-Informed Specialists, Certified Parent Coaches, and Certified Educational Trainers.
Become a confident, trusted expert, and earn up to 10 accredited graduate semester units from University of the Pacific!
Enrollment is now open, and for a limited time, there are partial scholarships available.
Want more info? Click below!
- Are you a parent who needs a support with challenges at home?
- Do you have a child who has experienced lots of failure and feelings of hopelessness?
- Do you want to see growth and success as a family?
Consider Working with a Parent Coach!
As the Program Director at HSI, I only work with one or two private clients at a time, but there are also several wonderful HSI Certified Parent Coaches who would be happy to work with you! Just send an email to Support@WingBuilder.com to ask for more information about parent coaching.
The Big Book List for Trauma-Informed Changemakers (first edition)
Do you have our brand-new book list, uniquely organized by the Spiraling Stages of Growth? In it you’ll find 111 of my favorite books about real growth and transformation that happens in compassionate relationships… and, you’ll get a bonus mini-course on how to start your own book study or book club!
Check out my conversation with Debbie Reber on the Tilt Parenting Podcast – School and Developmental Trauma in Neurodivergent Kids!