Over the years, my son and I have been through a lot of ups and downs.
While he has has come so far and made tremendous strides in healing, his early childhood adversity and trauma have changed his brain so that it has a completely different “operating system” than that of a typical, non-traumatized human.
Most of the time, I remember this. However, there are times that I don’t.
He often seems so emotionally mature and typical now that sometimes I forget how his brain works, and I get impatient, frustrated, and angry with him for not just dealing with life the way most people do.
This morning was a perfect example.
I woke up a little late and was in a rush to get moving with all the various tasks that I needed to accomplish. So I wasn’t feeling in an especially generous, loving, or patient mood.
My son has lots of trauma around food, so meal times can be very triggering for him.
Last night when I got home from work, I noticed that he had left the milk out on the table all day after having cereal in the morning. So I threw it out because I didn’t want him to drink it and get sick.
Then this morning, all he wanted (of course) was cereal with milk.
Now, there are a few ways for a parent to respond to this:
1. Get very angry, say to the teen “it’s your fault for leaving the milk out all day – I’m not going to get you any more milk, and take this as a lesson to be more responsible!”
2. Say nothing and let the natural consequence be that he has to eat something else rather than cereal with milk this morning.
3. Run out and buy some milk immediately to help him regulate and calm his body and brain, then talk about solving the problem later when he is calm.
4. Or…. something else that goes against all logic and tradition… but when all else fails, actually works to promote growth and healing over time.
In the early days of helping my son to overcome his knee-jerk trauma response of a 9-1-1 level aggressive meltdowns, and to help him learn that he could trust me to take care of his (perceived) needs, I would have chosen number 3. We were in crisis, and it was absolutely appropriate response to promote attachment and help him calm his brain at that time. I was able to use number 3 less and less over time as the trust grew and he felt safe and securely attached.
Now that he has had so much healing and I know he won’t blow up explosively, I can more safely choose a different response… and this morning, I did a combination of number 2 with the impatient body language and facial expressions that would accompany number 1. I was feeling smug, exasperated, and inconvenienced, and just really tired of being the overworked Queen of Everything in our house.
Thankfully, this decision on my part didn’t result in an explosion, but I could tell that my son was feeling rejected and that my attitude wasn’t helping to build a loving connection.
He had already felt horrible and genuinely apologized about wasting the milk when I pointed it out last night, so it wasn’t about putting the blame on me.
It was all about his feeling SHAME for being an idiot, messing up again, and just being all-around unloveable and unworthy of being cared for.
I could see it in his eyes.
He looked so angry, and so humiliated, and because of this childhood trauma reaction, so unable to eat anything at all that I offered.
What looks like defiance to the outside world is not at all about defiance.
It’s about debilitating shame, unworthiness, and emotional survival when feeling terrified of being alone, abandoned, and uncared for.
I’ve seen that look a thousand times, and there is only one way to respond that works.
I took a deep breath, let go of my anger, and connected to my heart.
And then… I chose love.
In that moment, I knew that there was nothing else I could offer him that he would be willing to eat. I knew that the only solution was to connect with compassion, in some small way, to help him regulate his body and emotions.
I started by giving him a scalp massage, which usually helps him to calm down.
I asked, “Is it ok if I do this?” and he nodded, yes.
I just massaged his scalp for about ten minutes.
I put aside my busy agenda and connected to my child.
What is more important than this? Nothing at all in this world.
After massaging his scalp, I told him that I know food is a very hard thing for him. I told him that I love him. I told him I would always do my best to take care of him.
And then I lovingly offered him something to eat (NOT cereal with milk), and he accepted it.
Then he apologized again for wasting the milk. And I’m 100% sure he meant it and will do his best never to waste milk again.
Win-win.
Here’s the thing…
Sometimes there is NOTHING you can do to “fix” a problem with your child.
In this situation this morning, I know from years of experience that if I had continued to discuss the food issue with my son in a “parental agenda” way, there would have been no resolution.
He wouldn’t have been satisfied with any choice at all. We would have been at an impasse, with only escalating conflict and dysregulation and a tug-of-war between his shame and my blame.
Because I decided to “drop the rope” emotionally and chose to love instead, this magically broke the spell and instantly allowed us to jump out of the pointless tug-of-war. There was nothing left to do but love my son. And that decision to love (instead of coerce, blame, control, and punish) connected our hearts.
The next time you and your child or teen have a conflict that seems to have no resolution, try dropping the rope.
Don’t try to fix it. Just love your child.
Radical acceptance and love …true unconditional love, with ZERO expectations or agenda… is transformational.
It’s not about “letting your child get away with things” at all. It’s about loving your child at their worst while holding a vision for them to grow and heal into their best!
It’s not easy, but sometimes, it’s the only thing that works.
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