Spiraling Stages of Growth
(click photo to enlarge)
My son took his medication for his hyperthyroidism/Graves disease today.
If you don’t know my kid, you don’t know how huge this is for him.
He didn’t want to take it.
In fact, for the past few weeks, he has been afraid to take it consistently because he has had such horrible reactions to so many medications in the past.
He took it today because he decided it would help.
He didn’t take it because I am in charge and I told him he HAD to take it.
I didn’t tell him he would get a reward for taking it… or a consequence for not taking it.
I did explain to him why and how it would help him feel better, and so did his doctor. We gave him all the information, but ultimately, he made the decision himself.
No meltdowns! Just a decision and a calm action based on information and trust that I am here to help him, not to hurt him, even though he has so much anxiety about the side effects that often happen when he takes meds.
AMAZING…. This kid has come SO FAR!!!!
If you are the parent of a child with developmental trauma and explosive, violent rages like mine used to have, you know exactly what I’m talking about… taking medications is exactly the kind of trigger that could have sent us into a massive meltdown and a call to 9-1-1 just a few short years ago.
Over time, we have experienced incredible growth and healing, and I’m so incredibly proud of my son for the strength and maturity that I see developing in him as a soon-to-be adult!
Someone recently asked, “How do you know how to respond to your child’s behavior?”
Short answer: It depends!
So, I created this model to help if you’re struggling with this.
Most current research in developmental trauma and attachment points to the importance of regulation and relationship (Perry, van der Kolk, Markham, and others).
The work of Dr. Ross Greene also emphasizes the importance of reciprocity to solve problems collaboratively rather than focusing on behaviors.
There are also newer studies on how to build strength and resilience in kids and teens once these three foundational areas are solid.
Based on this research and my own observations and experiences both as a parent and as an educator with hundreds of kids and families, I created this chart to model what I call the HEART-STRONG™ Model of growth and healing.
The basic idea is that the pathway of growth is not linear – it’s more like an upward cycle – with constant back-and-forth as your child’s brain is rewired to handle being in healthy relationship and using new executive functioning skills to communicate effectively. Your response to your child depends on where they are on the spiral – developmentally/globally as well as in the moment – with a foundation of parent compassion for the child.
In my HEART-STRONG™ Academy, an intensive training and coaching program for parents and teachers of children with developmental trauma, I teach this transformational model that I call the Spiraling Stages of Growth.
What I have noticed in many other parenting and teaching models is that they focus on only the early stages of growth and healing from trauma and the importance of supporting our children and helping them heal with co-regulation and relationships.
These early stages of growth are of course absolutely foundational to healing.
However, I think that what many parents need once they understand the difference between traditional and trauma-informed parenting is a more comprehensive, advanced model on how to better support our kids to HEAL, GROW and TRANSFORM to higher stages where they can build increasing skills of reciprocity and resilience.
We certainly want to be trauma-informed in our approach to raising our children, but we also don’t want to just LEAVE THEM THERE in that pit of responding to everything with fear and anxiety. This is what frustrated me the most when I looked for advice early in our journey – and it took lots of reading, research, and trial and error in my own family to find solutions that actually work.
I have also been frustrated that many of the popular parenting models used to help families struggling with trauma focus heavily on an authoritarian model of the “parent as the boss” and correcting the child’s behaviors immediately after connecting, rather than a more collaborative and respectful approach to parenting that gives the child greater agency, personal autonomy, and the skills of appropriate communication and problem-solving they will need as adults.
As a parent in the trenches of raising a kid with complex developmental trauma and highly explosive behaviors, I have worked VERY hard to create a comprehensive step-by-step sytem with tools and techniques that work for my family, and over the past three years, I’ve been teaching this system to other families, too!
I am convinced that families raising even the most challenging kids can transform trauma, and the spiraling stages of growth is one way that parents can conceptualize this growth.
If you look at the graphic above, you’ll notice that growth isn’t linear… it is a spiral that goes in circles, but eventually starts to go upward.
As we circle back and forth between the various stages of growth, it might feel as though we aren’t really getting anywhere at all.
However, over time we can start to see an upward trend as the child relaxes into increasing reserves of safety, trust, social-emotional skills, and self-efficacy.
This is how growth occurs… step by step, gradually moving upward, and with many setbacks along the way. It’s possible to go up and down the spiral many times over the course of weeks, months, and years… but as long as we understand that we will continue to see growth over time, there’s no reason to despair or give up.
“Just keep swimming!” – Dory, Finding Nemo
I know from experience that HEALING CAN HAPPEN and amazing growth is possible because I have seen it in my family and in the dozens of families that have gone through my coaching and training programs.
For more on the HEART-STRONG™ Parenting model and how it can help transform your family and move you from chaos all the way up the spiral to confidence, courage, and creativity, listen to this audio recording:
Three Keys to End Rage, Aggression and Defiance
Want information on how to become a Trauma-Informed Specialist, Educational Trainer, or Parent Coach? Check out our Trauma-Informed Specialist Certification Program.
If you are a TEACHER or other educator and would like to learn more about compassionate, connected techniques you can implement in your classroom and school, join our Facebook group HEART-STRONG Teaching.
If you are the PARENT of an adopted child or a child with Complex De