Violence and 9-1-1

Note:   This is a post about EXTREME parenting for those with highly volatile, violent children.  If the biggest problem you have is getting your child to make her bed, then this is not a post for you.   This one is for the Warrior Mamas and Papas who have been in the literal war zone in their own homes.     If it applies to you, or if you know someone in the trenches who could benefit from this advice, read on…..

I do everything I can to reduce frustration and potential trauma triggers that could send my son into an emotional meltdown or rage.

Sometimes prevention doesn’t work.

There are days when a meltdown happens so quickly and unexpectedly that there is nothing – absolutely NOTHING – that will keep him from turning into an out-of-control monster… his own unique 14-year-old version of The Incredible Hulk.

He is a large, strong child, and he can become extremely violent and dangerous when his brain is in “freeze/flight/fight” mode.   I will spare you the details, but there are broken items in my home and scars on my body that tell the sad tale of those early years.

His meltdowns usually begins as “freeze” mode where he seems to be totally disconnected with reality. Then if he cannot find a way to regulate, it later escalates to “fight.”   Sometimes the rages have lasted hours, with people (usually me) or pets as the target of the rage and property damaged or destroyed.

Living through one of these emotional hurricanes can be absolutely terrifying — for both of us.   What started as a challenging moment of anxiety, frustration, or hunger can suddenly become a literal struggle for our survival and safety.

Now that we’ve been dealing with these episodes for years, we have both learned ways of managing them to reduce the potential for violence and harm.  Appropriate medication has eased some of the worst violence, but it did not eliminate all of it.    Mindfulness, empathy, acceptance, and transformational forgiveness are the foundation of everything our loving connection is built on.

It has taken a lot of patience, practice, and repetition for us to get the the place where we are able to manage an episode safely and come out on the other side without a damaged parent-child relationship.   I am SO very thankful that we have come through the worst of times and maintained a strong family bond despite all the challenges.

However, I am keenly aware that there are certain powerful triggers and high levels of stress that could take us right back to crisis… so I maintain an ongoing vigil to keep things stabilized and safe.

Nevertheless, I am here to tell those of you whose families are in deep crisis that THERE IS HOPE … even in the worst of cases.     We survived and have lived to tell the tale.    While it’s painful to remember, I feel it’s a duty and a privilege to share with you what has worked for us when we were in the dark and scary parts of the journey.

Here are some strategies and suggestions for dealing with a child who is violent and completely out of control while raging:

1. Understand that it is your child’s TRAUMA and TERROR causing the rage.

If your child has a history of abandonment, neglect, or abuse (and most adopted kids do), this is not a “bad, strong-willed, defiant” child.   More often than not, this is a “terrified, traumatized, struggling-for-survival” child who is desperately trying to control her world because it has was so out of control when the child was young and vulnerable.

Imagining your child as “The Incredible Hulk”  or “Dr. Jekyl becoming Mr. Hyde” in moments of crisis can help you keep your mind and heart from going to feelings of resentment and anger.  It is nothing personal – it is a BRAIN problem, and it’s very important to maintain empathy and support — even if she is attacking you and being violent.   It’s like an emotional “seizure” – she is out of control because her brain is out of control, not because she is doing anything “on purpose.”

This first step is SO hard because often the child is attacking the very person who is trying to offer support.    Keep repeating to yourself, “This is not my child – this is the trauma..” over and over again until you can get to a mindset of empathy and parental regulation.

For me, it also helps to think of my son as a drowning person.   If I were to swim out to help someone drowning, I don’t expect the person to be “polite” when I reach out to rescue them.  Most likely, the drowning person is going to grab and claw at me and pull me down with them.  It’s the same when my son is “drowning” in emotional overload.  So I need to be safe, strategic, and drop all expectations or behavioral conditions until he is completely calm, regulated, and able to access the frontal lobe of his brain where he can think clearly and make logical decisions.

A video that has been especially helpful to me in visualizing what my son is experiencing during a rage comes from the Hope for Paws website.   Watch the rescue of this terrified dog, Holly, and imagine that your child while raging is as terrified as she is at the beginning of the video.  Like our fearful, raging children, this is not a dog that is able to receive any discipline or correction until she is completely regulated.  She is dangerous and potentially violent, but it has absolutely nothing to do with the person who is trying to help her.  She just needs someone to help her feel safe and secure so that she .   Watch the entire video to the end…and be sure to have tissues handy.

2.   Have a safety plan in place.

You never know when you might need to escape a dangerous situation or call for help.  Be sure that you have quick access to shoes, keys, and you cell phone at all times, even when everything seems calm.    Have a list of emergency numbers and friends you can call – even in the middle of the night if needed.

Find a safe place where you can go – whether it’s in a bedroom or a bathroom.  Be aware of all potential dangers in your home.  Keep all sharp objects – knives, scissors, etc. – locked in a tool box.   Map out the exits if you need to get away from your child during a rage.

Create a safety plan that will work for all scenarios, and talk it over with everyone in your home.

3.  Call 9-1-1 if the situation becomes life-threatening. 

Do everything you can do de-escalate the situation before involving outside help.   However, if your child is out of control and is a potential danger to you or to herself, then you need to get help.

Do not wait until it is too late.   If violence is escalating and she is throwing things, hurting you or someone in the home, or damaging things, call a spouse, family member, neighbor or friend to come help immediately.

If no one is available, call 9-1-1.

This is extremely important to do when things become so dangerous that there is a potential that your child could hurt your or herself.   Do NOT worry that you will be judged as a parent who can’t control her child, or that the neighbors will think less of you.  Your child has a mental health issue, and you need help.  Your life and you child’s life are both potentially at stake.  Even if she does not intentionally harm you, she is out of control, and accidents can happen.

4.  Some things to keep in mind when the police come to your house:

I don’t recommend that you ever use the police as a “consequence” or to try to “scare your child into behaving”.  Police are called for the purpose of ensuring your safety and for the child’s safety.    Your child or teen may indeed be terrified by police, but if you are in danger and do not have another source of immediate support, it is better to be safe than sorry.

Important:   If you tell the police that your child has hit or tried to harm you, they may be obligated by state and local law to report this as a case of domestic violence.  In some cases, this means formal charges and spending a night in jail.  If your child has a history of mental health issues, you can explain the situation and request transport to the hospital for medical/mental health treatment instead of a juvenile detention center.   It’s good to have this documented so you can show police (I keep a letter from my child’s psychiatrist in my purse at all times – just in case there is ever a question).

However, you need to be aware that whatever you report to the police is part of the record.   So choose your words carefully.  You may want to say simply that your child was escalating and you felt that the situation was unsafe.   Or you may want to press formal domestic violence charges and go through the court system.  Either way, just make sure you have thought it through before you make a statement.  If there is blood, bruises, or other obvious evidence of violence at the scene, the police are required to report what they observe, no matter what you say about it.

If your child is able to regulate while the police are there, it may be possible for you to take the child to an emergency room without the need for calling an ambulance.   This is ALWAYS the least traumatic way of dealing with things.  However, if the child is not safe to be transported in your car, call for an ambulance and go to the emergency room.

5.  Hospital Emergency Room and Psychiatric Evaluations

Once you take your child to the hospital (or once the child arrives there by ambulance, if necessary), you will request a psychiatric evaluation. A social worker will meet with you to assess the situation.   Keep in mind that they are assessing everything – the child’s mental health, your safety, etc.    If you believe that the child is still a danger to you – tell them this.   They will either discharge the child to your care or keep them overnight for more psychiatric evaluations.  After this happens, they will make a recommendation of how long the child may need to be treated in a psychiatric hospital.

This whole process was absolutely terrifying for me the first time we went through it.   After several times using the hospital emergency services, I learned the routine and knew what to do.  Thankfully, my son’s mental health has improved over the past several years to the point that we no longer have needed to call for emergency support or use psychiatric treatment.    I only use it as a last possible resort, because it is so traumatic for both of us.

6.  Follow up

Be involved in all discussions of treatment and medications.  Ask questions – LOTS of questions, and don’t be afraid to disagree if you know that something has not worked well before.   You are your child’s strongest advocate.

Be sure to stay with your child as much as possible; even stay overnight if that is allowed.   Reassure her that being in the hospital is not a consequence – it is a way to get help and to keep your family safe.

Once your child is home, you will have a chance to start over again with therapeutic parenting.   It can be very scary, but it can also be a “re-set” button to put things back on track.

Above all, NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!   Your child needs you to be resilient in the face of these overwhelming challenges.    The attitude you choose to take will affect her motivation to heal and work on better coping strategies to replace the rage that is her default from years of trauma.

It takes a lot of commitment, but it is so worth it.    You truly CAN do this.   Get the support you need in crisis, and don’t be afraid or ashamed to call 9-1-1 if you are in danger.

Remember that this is just one small chapter in the lifetime of your child.  Keeping your whole family safe is the foundation you need to build a trusting relationship and loving connection that will last a lifetime.

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Want information on how to become a Trauma-Informed Specialist, Educational Trainer, or Parent Coach?  Check out our Trauma-Informed Specialist Certification Program.

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