RAD Recovery: The Proven Path to Growth and Healing

At age 10, my son was diagnosed with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). He is 17 now, and he would no longer qualify for this diagnosis at all. I’m not convinced that he EVER had a “disorder,” and I know so much more now than what I knew then.  So I’m on a mission to help as many other families as I can find growth and healing. And I have a completely different definition of RAD, which I will share with you later in this article. But first, our story…. ***** Shortly after his adoption, we dealt with extreme behaviors that landed him in the emergency room for multiple psychiatric hospitalizations – a total of eight in his first three years home. Life for our family was like a living nightmare. In addition to RAD, he collected a long list of other diagnoses, including IED (Intermittent Explosive Disorder), PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), anxiety, and depression. Maybe your child has also received a RAD diagnosis (or another diagnosis such as ODD or IED) and exhibits some of these behaviors at home: * Extreme meltdowns at the slightest trigger * Screaming, kicking, scratching, hitting, hair pulling * Destroying property and items in the home * Defiance and rage when feeling out of control * Refusal to comply with parental requests * Hurting the family pet * Mood swings and chronic negativity/ irritability * School problems and school refusal * Extreme charm and compliance at school or with strangers, but not at home When seeking solutions for these behavior challenges, I got a lot of advice from a lot of different professionals and parents.   Most of them were well-meaning, but the majority of professionals just didn’t understand the level of challenge that I was dealing with. Other parents whose children did not have the same challenges also didn’t really get it at all, so it left me at times with a feeling of isolation and despair. I sought help from other adoptive parents  – primarily in Facebook parent support groups.  I also did tons of reading and research.   I listened to the advice of attachment and adoption therapists, took my son to a psychiatrist for medical intervention, and read a lot about connected parenting.  I worked with three different parent coaches. All this time, even my closest friends were telling me that maybe it was time to send him away to a residential treatment center…for my safety, and for my sanity.  Life had become something to survive from day to day. But after working for four years to bring this child home, I wasn’t willing to give up.  I knew there had to be a way to bring him healing.   So I kept researching, reading, and trying new things. I learned that my son’s early childhood trauma had caused a profound change in his brain’s development and his ability to regulate his body and emotions.  So I needed to change my entire parenting paradigm. Finally, after months of using compassionate, connected parenting and a trauma-informed approach based on research in brain development and studies in human growth, I began to see healing and change. I continued to experiment with my own methods and techniques, and I saw even more growth happening.  Over time, the rages decreased in their length, intensity, and frequency.  My son was less often triggered by things, and our relationship grew stronger and healthier. I was on to something, so I started sharing my methods with other adoptive parents. Over the past eight years, my son has experienced PROFOUND growth and healing.   He no longer has explosive, aggressive behaviors, and we have a beautiful relationship of trust and cooperation. ***** So… what is “RAD” really? Is it a disorder of the mind that damages kids permanently? Is it a disease that makes them unable to have healthy relationships or behave appropriately without us controlling their every move? Or is it something else? First of all, let me start by saying that I am NOT a doctor or mental health professional.  Therefore, I can’t diagnose children or make medical recommendations for any child or family.   There are of course many different family situations, and what works for my family may or may not work for yours. However, from my own experience with my son’s growth and healing, and from the experiences of the parents I now teach and coach, I have had a complete shift of perspective when it comes to RAD. RAD is a clinical diagnosis that stands for “Reactive Attachment Disorder”.    However, there is a lot of controversy out there amongst professionals about whether this diagnosis is sufficient to explain the underlying trauma and attachment issues many children struggle with. What I have found to be true over my years of working with adoptive families is that almost ALL of our kids with early childhood trauma and insecure attachment, regardless of whether they have an clinical RAD diagnosis, have some issues with the following emotional challenges. All behavior is communication, and kids with rage, aggression, and defiance are expressing their unmet needs, lagging skills, and unsolved problems, in the only way they know how.   I believe that rage, aggression, and defiant behavior is a fear-based response to overwhelming stress. Of course, there are some kids with accompanying underlying mental illness such as anxiety and depression, and others who may even have underlying psychosis or brain injury due to heredity or environmental factors, but I don’t believe that most adopted kids have an attachment “disorder” at all or should be diagnosed clinically with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Yes, they usually have insecure or disorganized attachment that is in need of healing. This insecure attachment results in lack of trust for the  primary caregiver, which can make parenting them a challenge. However, I believe that we need to reframe our understanding of these children and look at their behavior not as symptoms of a disorder, but through a lens of their survival skills that have emerged as a result of developmental trauma.  It’s not “what’s wrong with them” but rather “what HAPPENED to them” that has made such a profound impact on their ability to cope with the stress of daily life and relationships. I want all parents of adopted kids to know this: It is ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE for children with behaviors of  rage, aggression, and defiance to overcome their behavioral challenges, learn to trust their caregivers, and find hope and healing from early trauma. My son and the many families that I have worked with over the past few years are all examples of the RADICAL healing that can occur when we make a few shifts in our thinking and approach. There are THREE SHIFTS and FOUR BUILDING BLOCKS OF GROWTH that are foundational and a PROVEN PATH TO GROWTH AND HEALING from RAD: We need to shift our: 1.  PARENTING PARADIGM 2.  PARENTING PRINCIPLES 3.  PARENTING PRACTICES The four building blocks/tiers of growth and transformation are: 1. RELATIONSHIP 2. REGULATION 3. RECIPROCITY 4. RESILIENCE In my parent training and coaching program, I go into each of these shifts and phases in depth, and I’ve seen AMAZING progress in all of the families I have worked with. I’m also incredibly proud of my son for the hard work that he has done to become the person he is today, and I look forward to seeing the amazing young man that he will become as an adult. Want to learn more?  Listen to this training: 3 Keys to End Rage, Aggression and Defiance———————– Want information on how to become a Trauma-Informed Specialist, Educational Trainer, or Parent Coach?  Check out our Trauma-Informed Specialist Certification Program. ” I look forward to hearing from you!

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